The key to gentle parenting is treating your child as you would wish to be treated yourself. It is the belief that children deserve respect. And that’s why it is so important for us to work on the art of listening – listening is one of the most loving, respectful things we can do for someone.

Listening means you matter

When we practise the art of listening, we say to that person, “You matter. I’m interested in you.”

It’s not about chiming in with our own thoughts but instead being generous with our time, working hard at understanding what they’re saying and giving a thoughtful, supportive response.

You matter. I want to know what you’re thinking. Your opinion is valid. You have something to contribute. You have my full attention.

When I started this post, I did a quick google search to see what information is out there about the art of listening as a parent. These are the first three search results:

1. Listen to your parents
2. Why kids do not listen to their parents
3. What to do when your kids don’t listen

There is no mention of parents listening to their children. It is all about us commanding their attention.

As gentle parents, we want our kids to know that their opinions matter and that they have a unique “something” to offer the world. We can’t teach that if listening is a one-way street where we talk and they obey.

A masterclass in the art of listening

It’s no secret that I have an extremely soft, sensitive heart that is easily bruised. I learnt very early on to keep it guarded because the pain of it breaking was so great. When I first met my husband, I had just gone through a break up and my guarded heart was even more locked down than usual.

But he listened.

I would brush off his questions and he just listened harder.

For months and months he asked questions and he listened… and gradually I let my heart see daylight again. He didn’t judge, didn’t ridicule, didn’t belittle, didn’t shame, didn’t ignore, and, most importantly, he didn’t give up. You see, I needed someone to prove that they really cared, not just by asking how I was, but by asking every day.

I didn’t believe that he wanted to know the truth the first time. I still didn’t believe him when he asked the 20^th time. But when he kept on asking, he showed beyond doubt that he cared. It was a masterclass in the art of listening.

And trust was born!

Listening takes time

Listening isn’t something you can tick off a to-do list. The art of listening doesn’t have a time frame – it’s about being readily available indefinitely.

So we can’t allocate an hour slot on a Saturday morning for “listening to our kids” and then spend Sunday while Friday being physically or emotionally unavailable. Yes that specific one-on-one time will be beneficial but the principle must carry on through the rest of the week.

We need to listen to the small, mundane things so that they know they can trust us to listen to the big things.

It’s hard to be vulnerable. It takes a leap of faith and a good deal of trust to confide in someone and tell them what is on your heart.

Teasing or “shrugging it off” is a sure-fire way to lock your kids down again.

Prove yourself worthy of trust, and when they need you, they will come.

A poem about the art of listening

It’s so important to set time aside for our children. Research shows that the rational part of the brain isn’t fully developed until the age of 25! That means irrational thoughts and actions are to be expected.

Children and teenagers often struggle with emotions which feel overwhelming. As parents, we’re perfectly placed to guide them through those emotions and help them to develop an understanding of themselves.

The art of listening is a key factor in this. We need to listen to what they are telling us so that we can fully understand what they need from us. So often, it is just a listening ear, or someone to share the burden. Perhaps even a new perspective or a reassurance of support.

I’m not a poet, but I was so moved as I wrote this post that I had to pen a few lines…

Come close, little one, and sit by me,

Your thoughts are precious and my time is free.

Let’s chill together and sit a while

And share a tear and share a smile.

Set down your pack of worries, dear,

And reach inside. You need not fear.

Each parcel we’ll unpack together,

You and I; no stress, no pressure.

We’ll talk as long as you desire,

And mull the problems by the fire,

And when you’re done, I’ll take a few

And carry those worries myself, for you.

Don’t ever think that you’re alone,

That this sack of fears is just your own,

For bags like this can weigh you down,

Can make you scared and make you drown.

But I am here, my little one,

Your confidante, your friend, your mum.

Let’s talk them through together, dear,

For problems shared can lose their fear.

And though them all, I cannot fix,

There will be some in that bag of tricks;

And others I can help you bear

Or empathise for I’ve been there.

Come close, little one, and sit by me,

Your thoughts are precious and my time is free.

Are you good at listening or is it something you need to work on? Are your children keen to talk or do they prefer to keep themselves to themselves? Did you find it easy or difficult to talk to your parents when you were growing up? I’d love you to leave me a comment below.

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