Am I A Bad Person For Being A Stay At Home Mum?


I’m a stay at home mum. I’ve blogged about it a lot before because I think it’s important:

  • I’m there for my kids when they need me
  • I know everything about them
  • They know they are my priority

But there’s a key figure in this arrangement that doesn’t feature so much on my blog; my husband.

My Husband

He cycles 10km to work each day (rain or shine) so that I can ferry the girls around in the car. He rushes home from work each night so that I can have a sit down. He works tirelessly for his company every day so that we have the money to put food on the table.

He supports me in my decision to be a stay at home mum. He listens when I need to have a rant. He encourages me when I am feeling deflated.

But here is the crux of the problem:

Every day that I am at home puts more pressure on him.

stay at home mum dad working

Hubby is working long hours to finance our family

Is It Fair That I Am A Stay At Home Mum?

I have been a stay at home mum for almost 6 years and I am ashamed to say that today is the very first time I have questioned whether my choice is fair on my husband.

And what sparked this question? Well, I saw him. I saw him sat at the kitchen table, hunched over his laptop. It was 9:30pm. He supposedly has a 9 to 5 job. But there he was.

His fingers tapped away at the keyboard, his brow was furrowed, and every few minutes there was an involuntary sigh.

He looked worn.

I know he’s struggling at work at the moment – the company is losing money so staff vacancies that need filling are being ignored to try and save some much-needed cash. But it’s taking its toll. Deadlines need to be met but there isn’t the manpower to do it.

I Wish I Could Help

Oh I wish I could help. I wish I could lift some of the burden the way that he so tenderly lifts mine.

If I were to go back to work, if I were to contribute to the family finances, would it help?

Would he feel less pressure? Would he be less tired if we could afford a second car? Would he have less stress if he wasn’t the sole breadwinner? Would he feel more able to look for other employment options? Would he feel bolder about discussing the issues with his boss? Would he even feel confident enough to pursue his dream of becoming freelance?

stay at home mum dad typing

Would he feel less pressure if I was contributing to the family finances too?

All this time, I have been considering the needs of my two girls. What is best for them? What sort of upbringing do I want them to have? What sacrifices do I need to make to ensure I can be a stay at home mum for them?

But what about Him?

What about my rock? The one who loved me when I was unlovely? The one who pledged his life to me when life looked bleak and tough? The one who stood by my side through chronic illness and deepest depression? The one who nursed me back to health with patience and unwavering loyalty? The one who sings to me when I am sad? The one who strokes my hair when I am weeping? The one who knows me better than anyone else?

What about him?

I’d love to know your thoughts – do you have equal financial responsibilities or does one of you work longer hours than the other? Do you feel trapped in your job so that you have financial security? Do you think having one stay at home parent and one working parent puts pressure on the family? Do you share the childcare duties equally or does one partner do the majority of it?

 

Tammymum
Diary of an imperfect mum
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78 Comments

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  1. 1
    MMT

    This is the first SAHM post I’ve read which focuses on the good old Dads. The ones allowing this set up to happen… youre right it must be tough listening to us moan about uneaten dinners and too much TV when they have the stress of work and financial responsibility on their shoulders.
    #marvmondays

  2. 2
    Fran Back With a Bump

    I recently wrote about the debate of going back to work after my maternity leave. For me the compromise is going part time as i wouldnt want to put too much pressure on my husband to work extra shirts if we needed more money. We could afford for me to not work but I’d rather maintain some independence and not put too much stress on him. Have you and your husband discussed it? Its a tough one when childcare has to be factored in as well. Thanks for joining us for #marvmondays

  3. 4
    Kat

    I do so much to try and find extra money whilst working at home, because we wouldn’t be able to afford the childcare, breakfast club, and no one ever being at home at the same time. We’d literaly see each other, as a family, every other saturday, unless I was working and most jobs I am able to do require some kind of weekend work on top of the weekly shift patterns. Whilst finance is tough, at least we actually get to see each other. I’ve been doing paid posts through my blog, swag bucks, cashback, budget planning and that all helps, plus there are a few little things like the home insurance/internet that I pay for to take the pressure off. It’s tough though! But we are happy with how things are right now. #MarvMondays

    • 5
      Lucy At Home

      Yes I do have a little part-time cleaning job on a Saturday morning, and I’m starting to get more work via my blog. As you say, it’s trying to save money anyway you can. I’ve been a SAHM for almost 6 years now, so we’re used to living on a budget but things just seem to be extra tight at the moment. I don’t know if it’s because the girls are getting that bit older. Thanks for commenting, Kat. L

  4. 6
    Something About Baby

    It sounds like you have a brilliant husband there. I have gone back to work full time because I am the higher earner, and we have discussed my husband being a stay at home dad after we have baby no.2. But I don’t think I have fully thought about the pressure I will feel to support my family. By writing this post, you have shown that you do understand the pressure your husband is under, but if his thought process is anything like mine, he will do what he needs to do to support his family. If you being a stay at home mum is what is best for you and your children, I’m sure your husband will be more than happy to do whatever he can to help you to do this. If you went back to work, it may put him under pressure in others ways, by needing to help out with the kids or the housework and all the other things you do by being at home. So I think there are pros and cons of every situation. #MarvMondays

    • 7
      Lucy At Home

      Oh yes he never complains about it, and he reassures me that it’s under control. I just worry for him. I know I’m a worrier, but I think that’s how you are when you care about someone. I’m hoping it’s just a rough patch with work that he’s going through but it feels like it’s lasted a very long time!

  5. 8
    Angela Watling

    This is such a difficult one and I there is no right or wrong answer. It definitely sounds like you need to chat to your husband openly about it though. Going back to work doesn’t come without a cost so it’s not a decision to make lightly. Whilst going back to work might bring in some extra cash, you’d have new child care expenses. Even though you might be able to afford a second car, your husband might need to become part of the pick-up/drop-off routine which affects his work in a different way! I went back to work part time because I (for the most part) enjoyed my job and financially still took money home after travel and nursery costs. But we have finely tuned routine on my working days and if illness strikes… So just make sure to think about the full picture and definitely talk to your OH!
    #MarvMondays

    • 9
      Lucy At Home

      Yes I think the cost of working is what makes the decision so hard – with extra travel expenses and childcare costs to factor in, I’m not sure how much better off we’d actually be. And we’d have sacrificed our lifestyle for not much gain. Thank you for giving us a bigger picture perspective, Angela. That’s been really helpful. L

  6. 10
    Patty Gordon

    I struggle with this same thing. I’ve been out of work in one way or another since 2009! I had been on disability for a broken foot when my husband and I were still dating and then right around the time that I would have gone back to work I found out I was pregnant, we eloped, and then moved into the house we have now. Through 90% of our relationship he’s taken care of me.
    It’s not like I don’t want to work. I’ve tried work at home things and blogging is supposed to help, but really I have another two and a half years before I can even think about getting any kind of a full time job since daycare for two kids here in California is about the same amount as a house payment!
    Don’t feel bad about being a stay at home mom. You may not be paid for it, but really, you staying home with your kids is helping not only your family but the rest of society! I know so many kids with working parents that have BIG issues when they grow up. Not to say that your kids will be angels their whole lives, but from what I’ve seen, involved parents don’t grow delinquent children for the most part.
    Thank you for the reminder of how much husbands take on as the bread winners of the family. My anniversary is coming up in a month and it’s definitely given me some ideas of how to really thank him for all he does! #MarvMondays

    • 11
      Lucy At Home

      Wow Patty, your story sounds very similar to mine. I had got CFS/ME about 6 months into us dating and so was on Disability Allowance. I was ill for a long time so we thought we might as well start our family as there was no point in waiting for me to get better. So I never left a job or career to become a SAHM, I was already at home. But, after 6yrs with the illness, a new, experimental treatment cured me and I have been free of it for 3 years now! That means I could “work” if I wanted to.

      But I do agree with you – I want to be at home with my kids. I understand why it’s not right for everybody, but there’s so much I want to teach them (values, etc) and so much I want to experience with them (first words, etc) that I would much rather stay at home if we can possibly manage it. L

  7. 12
    Jaki

    Ooh it’s a tough one isn’t it? I work part time. Mornings. So I can be there for little man in the afternoons. He’s in nursery in the mornings but that has only been since January. We were lucky enough to rely on our parents until then. We could of afford for me not to work. It’s only a small amount in comparison but it pays for the groceries each month and my personal outgoings so it does take a little pressure off.
    Maybe talk to him about it and see what he says. It can’t do any harm. I hope you feel better about it soon. #marvmondays

    • 13
      Lucy At Home

      I think I’d feel much happier about it if we had family to help us out a bit, but we live a long way from both our families. I am not used to being away from my kids because I’ve always had to do everything for them. For example, my daughter is 2 and I don’t think anyone else has ever changed her nappy for her other than my husband and myself because she’s never away from us long enough to need it changing by someone else. I can’t imagine not seeing her for hours at a time!

  8. 14
    Wendy

    Ohh I know how you feel lovely. I’m a sahm and my husband works full time in a stressful job with loads of responsibility and pressure. I feel so bad that he has to work so hard to support our family but I can’t imagine not being at home with my boys. He says he doesn’t mind but I know he feels the financial pressure, I plan to find a job once both kids are in school as it seems pointless getting a job just to pay for childcare ..it’s a tough one xx #marvmondays

  9. 16
    Jo

    I think you have to do whatever works for you as a family. If your husband is happy and it works, then all good. I must admit I know lots of Dads who wish their wives would share the financial burden, particularly once children are at school so no longer need full time childcare – but many are scared to voice their concerns for fear of upsetting the boat. For many people too in this day and age of equality, many men I know want women to share the burden of earning the money, and also many men would LOVE to stay at home with the children more or work part time – who wouldn’t. I think it’s important not just to think what we want as women but to think of what works for your family and as you say your husband. After all, children are very adaptable – I think planning is key, obviously if it works now it works, but I think we also all need to think about the future, and how we as families split finances once children have gone to school and university. Either which way, juggling childcare, finances, homelife and career is tough. I took redundancy recently as us both working full time wasn’t working and am now juggling childcare with freelance work that I hope to scale up once all three are at school. At the end of the day it’s a very personal choice, that I feel needs to be made as a couple, not just by the mum or dad 😉

  10. 17
    Jo from Organised Jo

    I have always been very independent, and struggle with the idea of being provided for. You could call it stubbornness but I have always needed something to work for. I always knew I would return to work, but have always been part time (currently 30 hours). Childcare has been a mix of nursery, grandparents & hubby as he works shifts and is off sometimes during the week. Now both the girls are at school for some reason my working mummy guilt is kicking in big time. I’m missing learning celebrations, missing plays, missing school pick ups because I have to work. I will always need to do something so we can keep our current standard of living but I am now considering what I can do to help with the balance of seeing more of the girls but still have something for me. Sorry, I feel like I have just spewed all that out, but your post has got me thinking!! #MarvMondays

    • 18
      Lucy At Home

      It’s horrible when you feel like you’re missing out on things. I think we all suffer with mummy guilt, whatever life choices and decisions we make!

      P.S. You haven’t spewed at all – it’s really interesting to hear your thoughts. L

  11. 19
    Stacie

    This was such an interesting post. I currently work as a teacher, 3 days a week whilst my husband works full time. There is no way that we could currently afford for me to stay at home, although my husband would like me too. For me, I like being able to contribute to the household, although it isn’t much it pays for the food shopping and bills. If I had the choice I do a different job and work from home. I can see how difficult it must be for you, maybe you could work from home? #MarvMondays

  12. 20
    Devon Mama

    Oh gosh, I feel your pain. It’s so hard getting that balance; I feel like I have to go back to work because of the financial pressures on my husband otherwise. He’s said that he would go along with whatever I decide but I don’t feel I can put that on him at the moment because it would be a huge lifestyle change for us. I also know that he doesn’t love his job and feels like he’s stuck there because of money issues as well. It’s a horrible circle! Ultimately I think that you need to speak to him and see what he feels about things. It’s so easy for us to take the one’s we love for granted without realising exactly what they do for us – I know I’m guilty of it! The fact that you’ve noticed him potentially struggling is a good sign! #marvmondays

  13. 21
    OddHogg

    I’m a SAHM too, and intend to be until Piglet and any possible future siblings are of school age. It definitely puts more of a strain on my husband to earn a living, particularly earlier this year when he was out of work for 8 weeks. We are making it work though. I do my bit by trying to be thrifty as much as possible #marvmondays

    • 22
      Lucy At Home

      Yes my plan has always been to be a SAHM until all our children are in school. I also work very hard to be thrifty, as you say. It must’ve been really hard for you guys when your husband was out of work! That really is pressure!

  14. 23
    Amie

    I’m lucky enough to be able to stay at home every day and that we can afford for me too without there being too much stress on the OH but I know exactly where you’re coming from. I often think how much better it would be for him if I was earning a good wage too so he didn’t have to work so much but then I feel that our family as a whole would suffer with having two under two so it’s definitely a tough one #MarvMondays

  15. 25
    Chilli Regina

    To answer your question: No, you are not a bad person for being SAHM. I am too, with some part time jobs along the way, but mostly I’ve been home for my kids. In June I decided I will go on a path of becoming a (professional?) blogger and making an income with some of my ideas..My husband supports me, he actually loves my idea, but some others aren’t as supportive. But you know what – Do what makes you happy, what makes you as a family happy. Talk it out, talk it trough, and no other opinion will get to you!
    #DreamTeam

  16. 27
    Baby Isabella

    My folks both work full time (my mummy works compressed hours so she has long weekends with me) but it’s a hard slog and really long days (she doesn’t get much time to have a break). My mummy couldn’t afford to be a SAHM and she likes supporting daddy so he doesn’t feel the financial strain all by himself. It’s always been an equal partnership but every family is different. Please don’t feel guilty or the need to justify your decision. You are doing what’s best for your family x #DreamTeam

  17. 29
    Squirmy Popple

    My husband and I both work and the moment and earn similar wages, but my job is much steadier than his – he jumps from one short-term contract to another, so I’ve felt obligated to stay in my safe job to ensure that we can support our family. I’d love to reduce my hours but can’t afford to – his current contract ends in January and we don’t know what happens then.
    Rest assured that you are NOT a bad person for staying home – yes, it’s hard on your husband, but you returning to work would be hard in other ways. It’s all about making those difficult choices about what’s best for your family. #DreamTeam

  18. 31
    Lucy's Locket

    I saw this post come up in my Reader but haven’t had a chance to come back and read it yet, so I’m glad I saw it on the #DreamTeam linky. No, you’re not a bad person. It sounds like it’s tough on your hubby right now, but you can see it and you are there to support him. As you’ve said in this post, he has been there for you too, so it hasn’t always been easy on you either. Perhaps he felt bad for having to work while you were struggling. Don’t forget you are a partnership. It’s clear from your post that hubby is doing a lot for the family. But so are you. Don’t underestimate that. #DreamTeam

    • 32
      Lucy At Home

      Wow Lucy that’s a really insightful comment and has given me a bit of a different perspective. I know he did struggle when I was ill, so yes I think you’re right. Thank you for pointing that out to me. L

  19. 33
    Catherine

    I feel guilty everyday for being a SAHM. I think it’s because society doesn’t recognise our value so then we don’t. The government would prefer is to put our children in childcare and work. That message eats away at our subconscious and makes us feel crap for choosing to stay at home. #marvmondays

    • 34
      Lucy At Home

      I think you’ve hit the nail on the head, Catherine! What we do isn’t valued on the whole, and so we feel that we’re not contributing, or not contributing enough. I think that’s a real shame because I believe passionately in being a SAHM…but I still fall into the trap of thinking I need to do more.

  20. 35
    Catherine Fortey

    I feel guilty everyday for being a SAHM. I think it’s because society doesn’t recognise our value so then we don’t. The government would prefer is to put our children in childcare and work. That message eats away at our subconscious and makes us feel crap for choosing to stay at home. #marvmondays

  21. 36
    Cherry @ The Newby Tribe

    I am a SAHM at the moment after leaving my job as a Headteacher in order to adopt our children. I’ve been at home for 15 months now, and am definitely beginning to feel as though I need to do more to help my husband. He hasn’t said anything, and it’s really important that I am at home with the kids while they are still little, but it’s the small things that make me worry. So I can completely understand where you are coming from and my advice is to talk to your OH and ask him what he thinks and how he feels. My OH would like me to work part time in order to have a bit more money for holidays etc but he gets that these aren’t important right now but it’s always good to have that kind of conversation! #marvmondays

    • 37
      Lucy At Home

      I think hubby and I both love the arrangement we have now, but just wish it didn’t come with the financial difficulties that come along with it. It’s whether we can carry on making it work… I think you’re right that money for holidays isn’t important right now – children need to feel safe and loved and treasured, before they need holidays and gadgets. L

  22. 38
    donna

    I went back to work after maternity leave, and they just made it impossible. They couldn’t comprehend that childminders just don’t work all hours. And my husbands a chef, so works silly hours, so was never really home to do any pick ups or drop offs. The Boy being at school turned out not to really help, as I needed to work until 6, but his after school club ended at 5:50. Impossible!
    So I left, but we just couldn’t afford me to be a stay at home mum, as much as I’d have loved it. So I applied for some freelance writing jobs on upwork. I got really lucky and found some long-term work for a company, now I make a reasonably steady (any there’s always more work there if I need it) income, from mainly working a few hours first thing in the morning, the odd bit in the day when The Girl naps of watches Thomas (thank god for thomas) then a few hours when they’re in bed. It’s working really well so far! #familyfun

    • 39
      Lucy At Home

      Wow what a lovely story! I guess it’s all about finding out what works for you as a family and what you need and what you prioritise. Congratulations on your change in career, and finding something that works just how you want it to!

  23. 40
    Emma

    You are not being selfish by staying at home. By being a stay-at-home mum means that you are able to ensure that everything else runs smoothly and support your husband when he gets home. At one time I was working long hours and so my husband, everything is now much easier now that I am a stay-at-home mum. You are doing a very important job #FamilyFun

    • 41
      Lucy At Home

      Thank you so much for the encouragement, Emma. I think I sometimes lose sight of this. I guess SAHMs are in a supportive role rather than bringing home an income but it makes life run more smoothly for everyone around them. A lovely thought – thanks. L

  24. 42
    Louise (Little Hearts, Big Love)

    It’s so interesting to read a post about how being a stay-at-home mum has an impact on your partner and I think that would be a very interesting discussion to have with him too. I think the impact is different for each family – I know that I am lucky to be able to be a stay-at-home mum – although I work from home doing PR and payroll for my husband’s company so I support what he does in that way and ease the financial burden on him too. That said, if I wasn’t a stay-at-home mum, it would be harder for him to do the job he does – he goes away a lot and works very irregular hours. Me being home means that he doesn’t have to worry about the children – he knows that I am always around for them. #familyfun

  25. 44
    Louise (Little Hearts, Big Love)

    It’s so interesting to read a post about how being a stay-at-home mum has an impact on your partner and I think that would be a very interesting discussion to have with him too. I think the impact is different for each family – I know that I am lucky to be able to be a stay-at-home mum – although I work from home doing HR and payroll for my husband’s company so I support what he does in that way and ease the financial burden on him too. That said, if I wasn’t a stay-at-home mum, it would be harder for him to do the job he does – he goes away a lot and works very irregular hours. Me being home means that he doesn’t have to worry about the children – he knows that I am always around for them. #familyfun

  26. 45
    Kirsten Toyne

    There really isn’t a right answer to the working question. It is one for you and your husband to address together. There are so many sacrifices in each direction. Being SAHM can makes our partners working life easier because everything else is done and cared for and they do not have to fit in child pick ups or caring for ill children. But then the finances might be eased both of you working. I say might because childcare is expensive. I don’t think there is a good v bad issue here just one for families to work out what is right for them. #ablogginggoodtime

    • 46
      Lucy At Home

      Thanks for your comment, Kirsten. The cost of childcare is one of the big reasons I’ve not bothered looking too much into ending my SAHM career – we would be losing so much (family time, lifestyle preferences, etc) and wouldn’t gain all that much financially once the childcare has been taken out.

  27. 47
    Alison (MadHouseMum)

    This is such an interesting post. I was in a similar situation in a past life with my ex. I was a SAHM, who retrained and started work again when my youngest was 2. It was great for me, as I had started to go stir crazy being at home with little ones, but it meant we had to get an au pair to help with the childcare, as this was the only affordable option with 4 little kids. I found it hard not to say no to work and the money paid for one of our daughters to go to a private school. In the end though, it was all a bit too much. Something had to give. So, I would say that although your husband may be working long hours, if you go to work it may just end up that you are both working long hours away from the kids and you need to think about this balanced with the financial gains. Good luck with your decision – it isn’t an easy one, but I would say: don’t feel too much guilt, as it sounds to me as if you are actually a brilliantly functioning team right now. You are both working really hard. It’s always worth considering options, but maybe guilt shouldn’t be your driver. Alison x #ablogginggoodtime

    • 48
      Lucy At Home

      This is one of the reasons why I think maybe I’m MEANT to be a SAHM – I don’t go stir crazy at home. I absolutely love it! It’s where my heart is and where I feel my gifts lie. I really don’t want to give it up unless I have to.

      Also, I think it’s very wise of you to say that guilt shouldn’t be the driver. L

  28. 49
    Susie - This Is Me Now

    I don’t think you’re a bad person, the fact you care shows you’re not. I haven’t got any words of advice really. I’m a SAHM too but we are lucky we can have this situation without much pressure on my husband. I do regularly ask him if he’s ok with the situation and if he wants me to work but for the time being we are ok. As a family we are happier knowing I’m there for my daughter who was previously in nursery more (and very unwell due to all the bugs) but I’m flexible if we need to change then I will look for PT work. #FamilyFun

  29. 51
    Alana - Burnished Chaos

    I completely understand your feelings. I’m a stay at home mum too and my husband works in the merchant navy which means that he has to go away for ten weeks at a time. He’s due away in the next week or two actually and will miss Christmas this year, as he has done many times before, as well as missing birthdays, school holidays, school plays, parents evening etc. It’s hard on all of us when he goes away but I can’t even begin to imagine how hard it must be for him to not see the kids for such extended periods of time, it would break my heart. We have talked it over and the plan is for him to carry on until we can pay off the mortgage and both kids are in school and then we will both get jobs here. It’s important to him, not just me, that one of us is at home all the time with the kids so this is the sacrifice we make. All you can do is talk it over with him x
    #FamilyFun

  30. 53
    Jo - MotherofTeenagers

    Oh so many of us have been in this boat. When I was married to my ex, the father of my eldest, we both worked and had a live-in nanny. I was the main bread-winner for want of a better term but we both worked really long hours. The live in nanny gave us that flexibility to be late that nurseries and live-out nannies don’t. BUT I didn’t see my son. I then spent a time as single working mum after my marriage broke down and that was even harder. When I remarried and had my youngest I made a decision to quit and be at home with both my kids. It has been tough at times but I am so glad that I have been there for them and quite honestly the cost of childcare is so exorbitant that often working for someone else to look after your kids is really soul destroying. You sound like you have a great routine going on and you really support each other. Unless it is financially impossible stick with it for now at least or you may regret it further down the line. #familyfun

    • 54
      Lucy At Home

      I’m so glad that you’ve finally found a solution that is right for you, and I think I’m definitely leaning towards your position that I’ll regret it if I miss out on these precious first years. L

  31. 55
    tammymum

    Oh lovey what a read. The work or not to work is one of the hardest decision that face a family. It was without doubt one of the hardest decision we had to make as a family. I am not sure there is an easy or a right answer. The financial burden is on my partner too and I know he feels it. It was slightly different for us in that he wanted me to stay home and I think I wanted to return to work, but for our family it was not right. We have two so close in age that we would have two sets of nursery fees and us not having to work around pick times allows my partner to work for himself and grow his business . When we discussed our options nothing ever felt like a win win every scenario was a compromise . So we are just doing our best in a head situation I think and thats all we can do. Thanks for linking up to #Familyfun xx

  32. 57
    Karen | TwoTinyHands

    6 years! I’ve been going 16 months if you include maternity. I feel like this all the time. I see Dave working and feel bad that he does sooo much and I can’t help him with that. He’s self employed too so a lot is hours spent in the evening too. The perks is he does take afternoons off here and there but holidays aren’t paid for and if he’s Ill there is no income! We make it work and I’m always keeping my options open to possible finance ideas in the future! Thanks for linking up to #familyfun

  33. 58
    five little doves

    I’m a stay at home mum as with four children, aged 2, 3, 4 and 12, the cost in child care each month should I work would be almost double my husbands wage. We do struggle at times with just one income for six people, but we make sacrifices so that I can have this time with the children and be here at home while they are young. As they grow I will take on more free lance work and hopefully we will be able to make a good income from our own business ideas. My husband does feel the pressure sometimes with the financial burden being on him, but he also appreciates that I work very hard at home and it’s all about compromise. #PoCoLo

  34. 59
    Helen Gandy

    Try not to feel guilty about your choices lovely. Have you thought about maybe just doing a handful of hours to see if that helps things a little? You are by no means a bad parent though lovely, you are doing what’s best. Popping over from #marvmondays #PoCoLo

    • 60
      Lucy At Home

      I do actually have a little part-time cleaning job which I completely didn’t think about when I wrote this post! Plus, being at home means I can spend more time watching over the family finances and comparing prices of things. It all helps. L

  35. 61
    chickenruby

    It’s the exact opposite for me, I’ve just given up my job to help my husband out more. The kids have left home and we live in Dubai, I didn’t work for 5 years and really felt under my own pressure to work, to help pay school fees etc. I’ve been back in work for a full year, teaching, working 12 hours a day and more sometimes, weekends have been all about food shopping, washing, ironing and cleaning with us both sharing the roles. My husband is now just as tired as i am and not getting to relax or switch off from his stressful job and unless we have visitors we rarely go out as we’re both too tired. I’m looking forward now to stress free evenings and weekends where we can spend time together

  36. 63
    Morgan Prince

    The Hubby and I are both at home 24/7, the Hubby works to earn the money and I look after our boys. I think if you work together no matter what your roles are it works. You just have to both be understanding and see that the other needs time occasionally. It’s all about team work after all. xx
    Thanks for linking to #pocolo

  37. 65
    Annette, 3 Little Buttons

    Arrhhh I am sorry to hear that you feel you have to question your current stay-at-home arrangement. I think you have to go with what works best of you as a family (if you have the choice that is). Nothing is ever straight forwards and its never a clear cut ‘this is best’ thing. We both work, and part of the decision was around the pressure that would put on hubby (as you have described). But its all swings and roundabouts. Thank you for sharing with the #dreamteam x

    • 66
      Lucy At Home

      It’s a tricky one. We’ve managed to work it so far, but it’s definitly getting harder as the girls are getting older (kids are so expensive!). I want to stay a SAHM if I can, but we’ll have to see…

  38. 67
    natalie

    Oh lovely sending love. I can completely relate because I am pretty much in the same boat (I actually work 12 hours for a charity but my wage is so tiny we don’t even include it!) My lovely man works long long hours in a very stressful job that he doesn’t even like! I do feel guilty at times, we have a huge morgage and I would love to take some of that financial burden from him.

    However I know he looks at me, up the wall at times, trying to keep 2 children happy whilst pregnant with my 3rd. Making lunches, doing school runs, keeping appointments, sleepless nights and I know he wishes he could help more. Being at home with my children especially during the early years is really important to us both and that is why we do it.

    I think you are doing an amazing and very important job! #ablogginggoodtime

    • 68
      Lucy At Home

      It’s so nice to hear somebody else value the job of a SAHM and acknowledge how much hard work it is sometimes! These are the sorts of things I try to tell myself but I do doubt myself a lot too. I’m sorry to hear your husband is struggling. It can be really difficult to watch when you can’t do much to help but, as you say, I’m sure he feels the same about your role too and he appreciates what you do. L

  39. 70
    Crummy Mummy

    A really thought provoking post – Misery Guts and I both work and bring in roughly the same amount of money to the household, so our roles are pretty similar. Not sure how I’d feel if things were the way you describe though… #ablogginggoodtime

  40. 73
    Berni Benton

    SAHM IS WORK! I bet it includes cleaning the house, doing the washing and shopping,preparing meals, helping with homework, etc. All jobs that would still need doing if you went to work and paid someone else to look after your kids. Never mind the impact on your health , the feeling of compromise and neither being a mum properly or a career woman properly that can (did happen to me) when I tried to do both. Personally I think the problem lies with society not recognising SAHM is A JOB. SAHM’s should get a financial benefits like other childcare professionals not be seen as taking an easy option. Nothing wrong with liking your job!. Am sure if you talked it through with hubby he wouldn’t want all the extra worry of sharing the household chores and worrying about the extra pressure on you. Having said all of that it’s really great that you recognise his sacrifice. And i know my response doesnt address your financal concerns…… Talk to him xx

  41. 74
    The Dad Effect

    Great post, my wife is a SAHM and I very much feel the pressure of being the sole breadwinner and I often feel somewhat trapped in my job (lucky I somewhat enjoy my job though). This set up has been great for our family but it does leave me feeling very ground down. The hardest times are weekdays after work when the kids are at their most testing and I’ve had a long (7-6) day at work. It isn’t easy to leave work at work on those days. It also wouldn’t be easy for my wife to go back to work and us be better off. We’ve estimated she’d need about 25k a year after tax to break even (by the time travel, day care, etc) are factored in. Thanks for writing this it was really relatable

  42. 76
    Lucy

    This is why me and my partner both work part time. It adds up to the same as a full time wage but Amelia never goes to childcare and we both get to see her grow up (it usually works out that I do a few extra hours but I function better on less sleep than the other half)

  43. 77
    Tracy

    I recently wrote about why I could never survive being a SAHM. I wrote about why it benefited ME to be a full time working mom. Through writing this post, I realized that no matter what choice I had made, to be a full time working mom, or a SAHM, my children would only get the best version of ME, if I was happy with the choice I made. So, your reasons: I’m there for my kids when they need me, I know everything about them, They know they are my priority – You can still tick all of those boxes whilst being a full time working mom. You cannot tick all those boxes if you are not happy with the choice you make.

  44. 78
    And Then There Was Mum

    ‪With 1 child my husband and I worked full time but the a lot of that money went back into childcare I’m currently on mat leave but when that ends I will be going back to work full time and my husband will go part time as we can’t afford 2 children in nursery full time even with the free childcare hours for my eldest. I have to go back full time as I earn more money. I really don’t want to though as it’s a high pressured job and I don’t feel like I can do my best at both my job and being a mum at the same time. ‬

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